this space for rant

The sponge.

Gentle.
Absorbent. VERY absorbent.
Cleans, and itself becomes unclean.

 

Well, not exactly - for two reasons.

First, Luke didn't exactly return. The original Luke still needs to be brought somewhere for something. I'm not even aware of what really needs to be done with him anymore, but whatever it is, he's not coming back to me once he's okay. Instead, he's going to stay home with the rest of my family for my brothers to fight over. Or whatever they want to do with him. Point is, I have someone else new, and I think I like him better.

For one thing, I think it will be tough for me to use the old Luke after he was reformatted, and with my knowledge that everything - every single memory of my last two years as a Bio major - had been deleted and could only be selectively regained. I could re-steal photos from various Multiply accounts, but the papers I worked sleeplessly for, including my thesis, are lost forever. So I guess this is better. New phase in life, new memories to create, new place in which to store them.

And second, I didn't name Luke after Luke Skywalker, but after Luke the physician who wrote the New Testament books of Luke and Acts.

In other news, yay for internet! Boo for added distraction. I still haven't started actually studying for Neuro. Someone please scold me.

I accidentally dropped a huge ceramic bowl last Thursday while wiping it, and sustained a deep cut on my right arm. Deep enough to have the underlying muscle visible, 1-2 cm long, ulnar side, an inch or so below the wrist. I brought myself to a nearby ER shortly afterwards and was told I had an option not to have it sutured. I take some pride at the fact that I've never had stitches or fractures in my life so I took that option, and had my cut kept closed by steri-strips.

The next day my parents, who thought I would probably be better off having the cut sutured, accompanied me to another, far more trustworthy ER. There we were told that suturing could only be done within 6 hours after the injury. Good thing we found that the cut had started to close, and no longer opened even if the doctor moved my wrist every which way possible. Still, to facilitate the healing, she put my right wrist in an elastic bandage.

So now my right arm is pretty much useless. And being completely right-handed, I must say this sucks. I feel severely impaired, as though I injured a bone instead of just a skin. I'm glad that at least my left arm is not really as weak as I thought and is rising up to the challenge of doing everything my right arm used to do for me - which is pretty much everything I ever did. But I can't wait for this wound to completely heal and give me another cool scar, as well as complete use of my right arm. I have to say, though, that all those visits to the hospital didn't help curb my excitement for med school.

Speaking of which, one week 'til school starts. I can't wait - but at the same time I feel so apprehensive about it. Gah.

In other news, Luke has a problem. For those uninducted, Luke is my laptop. For some reason he keeps hanging, and it's scary. I left him with a cousin for diagnosis and treatment (I hope). So I will be having limited internet access until I get him back. To those who know who they are, try not to miss me too much.

Your result for The Personality Defect Test...

Sociopath

You are 57% Rational, 43% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

I have 2 exams for which to study and thesis data to figure out how to analyse, but I just have to post this. It's so...soup.

I was in this big room that's not like any room in IB, but my subconscious told me it WAS in IB. There was a long table on one side of it, and a row of decrepit but marginally usable desktop computers on the other. I was over at the table with Sir F and Sir Herbert, who happens to be the point person for submitting thesis manuscripts. Don't ask me why.

(Sorry Downer friends, this just has to be written in the language of my dream.)

Sir F: "Baka naman pwedeng i-postpone mo yung deadline ng thesis ni Abby. Mahirap kasi talaga mag-gather ng data niya, kaya natagalan."
Sir Herbert: "Hindi ko talaga alam kung pwede eh, pero tignan ko. Ilang pages ba yung proposal niya?"
*Sir F looks at Abby*
Abby: "Sir, 5 pages po."
Sir Herbert: "5 pages? Naku... Kailangan bawiin mo sa discussion 'yan."
*Sir F and Sir Herbert continue their negotiations while Abby walks over to the computers, frustrated with Sir Herbert's being inconsiderate. She approaches Mae, who was working on her manuscript at one of the computers.*
Abby: *akbay kay Mae* "Haaaaay..."
Mae: *yakap kay Abby* "Bakit? Kamusta na?"
Abby: "Ayaw talaga ni Sir Herbert eh... Ilang pages ba yung proposal mo?"
Mae: "Three pages, bakit?"
Abby: "Three pages, talaga?? Siguro sobrang minagic ni Ma'am Thucy 'yun kaya tinanggap."

Then I started to become lucid, and realised... "Teka lang, 12 pages ang proposal ko ha???"

Then I woke up.

(Thanks to Bet for the title.)

Say, I haven't done this in a long time. I'm so sorry for the pessimism, batchmates, but I need to vent REALLY BADLY. I already feel like exploding.

6 lab reps for 130
130 lec seminar
130 lec exam
130 lab exam
3 exams for 122 lec (one self-study)
122 lec review paper
3 papers for 122 lab
122 lab oral report
122 lab exam
151 lec exam
151 lab reps
151 lab exam (I think)
THESIS results, manuscript, everything

And there's just...2? 3? weeks left before the semester ends. Seriously. This is crazy. If I get to survive this, I would be very amazed.

"Rollercoaster" probably isn't enough to describe these past days. So much has happened, I'm already kind of losing track of what's happening.

All things considered I should be really disappointed with myself now but darn it, I'm happy. I can't deny that. My smiles can't hide that fact. I've always had a terrible poker face. Lady Gaga, please teach me how to do it.

Goodness, March already?? It's crunch time. x_x

I know that in a world of different shades of grey, there still exists black and white. Everything is not as it seems, but we can hold on to what we know and believe is true. We don't always have to heed what other people say.

Last time, you told me to let go, to stop being such a control freak. That there is nothing necessarily wrong, contrary to what I'd come to believe. You said that it would be a worthwhile experience and you'll use it to teach me something. I trusted you, and you were proven right. I was spared from the difficulties I would have otherwise encountered. I had fun and excitement, but more importantly I learned valuable lessons.

This is different, I am aware of that, very different. Which is why I've always tried to be cautious, to be more on guard. Yes, I failed at times, but I never stopped trying. I admitted I couldn't do things on my own, recognised that I had to rely on you, and so I did. After all, it's something I've never been through before, and I'm well aware of how weak I can be. But now...I just don't understand. I feel so horribly confused. Everything's blurred and grey.

Lord, what are you trying to teach me now?

~*~

Am I the only one who hates the fact that we're starting to see and hear reminders that summer is near? They always make me panic. x_x

February 21

• Fully expected to just drop asleep upon reaching the house at almost midnight, but no. I almost did, but Jana's arrival woke me up, so...
• Was able to add more slides to 196 presentation, and do a little data processing. I missed being able to stay awake doing acads work until 3 AM. Seriously.
• Woke up, as in I chose to woke up (ish) from a weird dream involving a nun who wanted to arrest me for taking photos with a cellphone. I told her that it might be illegal where she came from (which was China - yeah, weird I know) but it wasn't illegal here. Before that I dreamt that the list of PGH passers already came out (way earlier than it should have) and only 6 IB students got in. With dreams like that, waking up is a real blessing.
• Remember my phone which took a dive from JK's jacket pocket to a sink? It's alive again! I should give it a name. I think I like Calvin. (Oh, and thanks Roni for lending me a phone!)
• Dad, Mum, and four of my brothers picked me up from the boarding house, so I no longer had to pick up my other brother from Pisay and commute home. Yay for private vehicles.
• Dad doesn't know what euphoric (my word of the day for happy day #3) means, but later he was able to use it in a sentence, specifically to describe someone in a story I told them. My brothers think I will perform autopsy on the living once I become a doctor. If only I had been able to record that whole car trip... Sigh, I love my sabaw family. :D
• Bonifacio High Street yet again! Had lunch at Texas Roadhouse while surfing the net.
• Starbucks after lunch. Finally satisfied white chocolate mocha craving (I still hate you, JK). Got two brothers to like it, too. Oh, oh, creme caramel cheesecake is sooo darn good.
• Attended the first ever Saturday service at VCF Fort.
• Onion rings and strawberry shake from Brothers Burger. (Gosh, ang takaw ko.)
• After two weeks, I'm home sweet home!

February 20

• First journal seminar for 151 lec. Sir Windell does not ask questions! And there's something really fun about being able to apply what you learn and discuss Bio concepts.
• Finally managed to do retro-orbital bleeding on a Balb/c mouse (forgot his name, haha). Well technically it was Sir Herbert who did it, because when he saw I really couldn't/didn't want to puncture the poor mouse, he gave my hand a little push. That's what finally caused the bleeding.
• Also, was able to inject the same mouse with a booster shot of Trichomonas vaginalis intraperitoneally. I needed a second take, though, because the first time I still couldn't/didn't want to puncture the mouse. But I did eventually, so as not to risk Sir Herbert getting impatient. Hahaha.
• Bonding moments with Jay's Chase *evil laughter*
• Finally started on my powerpoint presentation for 196 (on Tuesday). Much thanks to Margie for the template!
• Miting de avance went relatively okay. I think.
• Saw and talked to Chinggay (and Ate Lau) again after a looong time. They were with the rest of Kaisa during CS Idol. Which means I saw Kuya John, too. (Friends, vote for them! Laura Clemente and John Almeda for USC Councilors, Titus Tan for USC Chair!)
• Performed with the rest of the chorale, even without practice! Hahaha. That explains my watermelon-bubblegum moments while singing I Have Nothing. Sorry Cecile...
• Pao won CS Idol by a wide margin! Congrats Pao!

February 19

• The alarm clock didn't work for a stupid reason (mea culpa), so I got to sleep longer. Sorry, alarm clock. It's useless to wake me up.
  
• Joey and Carlos poked some fun at my playlist while we were preparing amphibian Ringer's solution. Hahaha.
• Didn't feel too sleepy during 122 lec. Sir Wigi was cracking a bit more jokes than usual.
• Okay, funny thing during 130 lec. I was rather bored, so I texted Lyndon (to tell him I didn't know how to describe the progress of our no-longer-germinating fern spores), and then Bet (to wake him up, because he looked like he was about to fall asleep). I was sitting at the backmost row so I saw both of them pulling their phones out of their pockets at the same time. And then a moment later, they both turned to look at me also at the same time. I couldn't keep from laughing (silently though, lest Mamu hear and scold me). Carlos then turned around to look at me with this weird expression on his face. Laugh trip!
• Spent 130 lab weighing tons of chemicals and plant hormones. Beats making plant sections and drawing them, hands down.
• Got a high score in a 130 lab report - one of the two papers I worked on the night/morning before my PGH interview. It had a couple of stars in the discussion part, too.
• First time to see my ally in Owl's Nest. I was passing by ZS on the way to tambs when he peeked out of their window and called, "Ally!"
• Weeeeeird conversation. You're so much better than I give you credit for.
• Beef and potato burrito and chai tea latte. But I really need to have a regular study date. Now accepting applicants. Sole requirement: Can be dragged anywhere, anytime.
• I just don't know when to stop smiling. O, bakit ka ngumingiti?
• My voice is back, baybeh! I missed the feeling of being able to sing (relatively) effortlessly. CS Chorale, here I return! (Must practice the other song tonight pala. Haha.)

February 18

• No snooze. (Yet?)
• Bad trip na kanta sa Katips jeep 'yun, para tuloy akong ewan na tawa nang tawa. Bad trip talaga. That song's forever tainted for me now.
  
• Remembered - more or less - the structure of the T cell receptor. (No comment na lang sa B cell receptor. Oh gosh, Sir Windell's sooo going to kick me out of 151. x_x)
• Relatively early dismissal for 151 lec.
• HUGE chicken and mushroom omelet.
• Got PI quiz perfect again. Galing kasi manghula.
  
• Demi's happy now. Yay for SSS! My children deserve to be happy.
  
• Nakakatawa ang song na "Head over Feet" ni Alanis Morisette.

It was a pretty so-so day, actually, compared to the previous days, but there you go.

February 15

• First time in Technohub! Got something from my brother, who works there.
• JK got me addicted to white chocolate mocha. So much for hating coffee.
• Crazy bugbugan and hiritan at the tambs with JK, Ate Ceej, Sofi, Marc, AE, and Francis.
• My ally's BPI awarding! So proud of him.
• I still don't know what my name was doing up there. Hahaha.
• Natuwa lang talaga ako sa thesis ni Solon kahit dinugo ang ilong ko.
• The chorale sang well! Good job, Te! (And even without me. FEELER!)

February 16

• Woke up at 4:30 AM thanks to my uber-reliable (human) alarm clock.
• Finished my two lab reps for 130 before 6 AM.
• Got to Calderon Hall aka UPCM on time despite...lots of mishaps. Hahaha.
• Very nice interviewers
• "This is one of the best interviews I've ever been in." AND "Congratulations!" HOHMAYGASH.
• Just couldn't get that smile off my face.
• Saw Justin again. And Din. And Ate Chekai. (Too bad I wasn't able to see Kuya Migs.)
• Maybe there are just some things you can't fight off completely. Or at least you need to be less hostile towards.
  
• 130 lab rep grades were better than I expected.
• Didn't run out of time during 130 lec exam.
• Hell day of the week is over!
  

Kasi dapat nagpa-paper sa 130 eh, but no. x_x

This is for yesterday, February 14.

• Still the overnight at Moms' (kaya nga overnight eh).
  
• I woke up at a bit past 6 AM, which is early considering I slept at almost 5 na yata, plus we have to be early for the med mish.
• Had a lot of fun being mute for 2 hours. I wrote everything I said in this little notebook that I never get to use - it's like a two-hour long semi-paperchatting. Pero I talked four short times in those two hours. Boooo.
• Ended up in pharma instead of doing runner duty due to forced lack of voice. So much for leaving pharma...but pharma duty is really fun!
  
• The rain stopped quite around when I asked it to, so we were finally able to leave freaky crowded Market! Market! and go to our intended destination: High Street!
• TimeZone. Even though I lost 6 out of 7 basketball shooting matches.
  
• I proved that I was able to get some of my voice back...only to lose it again. But I got a perfect score singing Gabrielle's "Out of Reach" - it's not out of my voice's reach! Hahaha!
• My anak Merlin treated us to Yellow Cab.
  
• I was able to catch up on sleep, whee.
  

Demi talaga. Hmph.

I'm doing this for Friday, February 13, even if it's already the 14th.

• No 151 lab! Got to sleep in, instead of starting on 130 lab reps. (Too bad that means I wasted the previous night studying instead of papering. Ah well.)
• Kept relatively awake during PI 100. And I got our quiz on "Kabesang Tales" perfect! Apparently I'm one of only a very few people in class who guessed what a "pangginggera" or something like that is.
• Learned a few steps of salsa. Thanks for the patience and enthusiasm, Margie!
• Got a couple of red roses. Unexpectedly. Yeah, I lost a bet, but it's a happy loss. (I want a carnation! Hahaha. :p)
  
• Also got back a bit of my voice. I was able to sing - sort of - Lifehouse's "You and Me" for Joey and Beiai. Hahaha. Well, Karl came later and sang for the most part.
  
• Oh, and Bet played "You and Me" for me. Sort of.
  
• Karl's crazy card game which is a mix of Killers and Werewolf. That was hilarious. With whom else will you get stories of desperate med students who turn their classmates into cadavers, stealers of 121 notes, and 119 students who infect fish with dinoflagellates than Bio majors?
  
• Massive overnight at Moms's! Attendance: Abby, Bet, Rich, Joey, Jay, Jopi, Jen, Erik, Dee, Marge, Marv, and Carlos.

So even though we didn't get to enjoy the UP fair, it was still a very memorable day. :)

Inside of my heart is an army of angels
Just because I let you go
Oh, volunteers, they are here to love and help me
Only 'cause I said no

To the killer eyes that invite me to do things
I would have to lie about
And it's better now, we are safe
You know I love you more from far away
Now that all I need is God


It's quite a journey, but I'm getting there.

It's a moment like this and, even though I should have neither time nor thought to spare, I can't help thinking: This tortures me enough - more than enough at times - and I know it can only get worse when it's over. So why in the world am I so excited, so anxious to live that kind of life?

I can't waste any coherence, but I know somewhere in my frazzled mind lies the tangled response. It doesn't make sense to me now, but I know it will be a good enough answer for me.

Friends, February 17, 10 AM. That's when I'll face the interview, the sole barrier left before the doors of UP College of Medicine. I'd appreciate your prayers. :)

In the wise words of Isaac Slade, "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

You've always known this is the narrow road. Now get some spine, girl!

There is just no victory in disobedience. Even when you think you win, you still lose.

Deafening wake-up calls can be a torture, but they do the job. Especially when you stop hitting the snooze button.

Profundity tends to disappear when you stay up at 2:45 AM after a night of dancing to Jackie's choreographies.

I guess I spoke too soon. After getting my legs sunburned yesterday for wearing shorts, running around UP and then staying in the Sunken Garden all afternoon, and not putting on sunblock, now my arms are burned. At least now I know that I don't actually always tan. I think.

Dumb moment: When I noticed that the exposed parts of my lower extremities were red and a bit itchy, I wondered if I had some sort of weird allergic reaction to, say, grass. HOURS later, I realised it's sunburn. Yeah, even Bio majors can be stupid about the human body.

But I say the risk of skin cancer is all worth it, because my college life is now fulfilled. I'd been lifted again, and even MUCH better, I'd been tossed. I'm so pleased, I could stop working on my thesis now and drop out from school. NOT.

Bet, JK, Lyndon, Theo, Merlin, Joey, and Marc - I commend thee all. You've all carried a huge weight, and carried it well. I'm sorry for the effect of gravity, for accidentally punching you on the head or kicking you in the face, and generally for making your muscles ache. I hope you found your exertions well worth our third place finish.

And yeah, to my fellow cheerdancers, congratulations! It was much fun to work with you all. Let's do this again next year! Oh wait.